Sometimes writing is like putting a puzzle together, I put out all these thoughts on paper but after I have laid it all out I have to go back and sift through them in order to make a complete thought. That is how this blog has been coming out. I wasn’t even really sure what it was that I was trying to say other than just getting out some thoughts that have been plaguing my mind and heart. Sometimes it is just the confession of the reality of my mind that helps me to heal and see the reason I am dwelling there. I have been so hurt and angry lately. I tried ignoring it but the out come of that is always the same. It is still there when I choose to stop hiding.
When I was a kid I was walking on top of this wooden fence. Don’t ask me why I was walking up there. Maybe it was the thrill of doing something dangerous, or the fact that I thought I was quite invincible when I was a child. As I was walking a crossed it I stepped on this loose board and it swung up and hit me in the back of the leg, taking with it a large chunk of my flesh. Quite morbid I know yet it happened. I was staying at my aunt’s house, and so when I walked into her house with this gushing wound, she freaked out and rushed me to the hospital. I have always been quite fearless yet I do not handle pain well at all. I avoid it at all cost. When I was at the hospital they needed to give me a shot to make sure I didn’t get any bad deceases or infections in my wound. I know that the shot was for my own good but there was know way in hell I wanted a giant needle entering my body let alone my wound. It took 4 nurses to hold me down, as I yelled and kicked and protested there needle sticking. I was 10!
The reason I bring up this story is because sometimes walking through the hurts and pains of our life is much like someone sticking a giant needle in us. Even though the out come is healing, the pain of walking through it sometimes feels unbearable. The past few years have been the most painfully times I have ever had to walk through in my 33 years of life, some self inflicted yet some not. But through all of it there is still this small still voice that beckons my heart to live. To not give up or throw in the towel, and believe me I am beyond throwing in the towel, I am at the point of burning it. I have tried praying it away yet it remains. I do not understand the evil that prevails in our world, and how we let it prevail in and threw us. But I guess we would never know the light if there was no darkness to compare it to.
I have been praying for my enemies, praying that god would bless them, that he would pursue their hearts and teach them about love. But even more than this I have been praying that God would give me a genuine love and care for their life over mine. The Gospel is easy when we only give it to those who we enjoy and love already, but when we choose to walk the gospel out with those who make it hard, then I believe we start to see the real power that it holds. There is nothing harder if you ask me then choosing to love the people who hurt and rob you of life and joy. But there is nothing more freeing either!
Ramblings of a Beggar 
December 29th, 2010 at 2:53 PM
This is the realest, most honest,and truest blog I have ever read. I really needed to hear this stuff.
December 29th, 2010 at 2:57 PM
Word my brotha… Gods provision for us cannot be taken away by this world…
December 29th, 2010 at 3:09 PM
thanks for sharing these thoughts and this story. I have been going through some of the hardest changes in my life these last couple of years, and i’m only 19 and I know it’s not about to stop. I seek to lean on the Lord each and ever day. Some days it’s harder than others but little random things I come across, like today, I can come to peace easier as it reminds me someone else is struggling too. So thanks again and I’ll be praying for you.
December 29th, 2010 at 4:38 PM
I know how you must hurt. I also wonder where God is when my life seems so dark. Hang in there Shawn. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.
Be blessed.
December 29th, 2010 at 5:04 PM
I read this with a grin. Not because of the pain of life, but because I felt I knew where this post might be headed. I shared an equal fear of needles, as well as a similar metaphorical perspective: http://willtaylormusic.blogspot.com/2009/04/doc.html
Thankful for the comfort you share. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
December 29th, 2010 at 5:12 PM
Dude,
I like your name. Anyway. I love how you point out the still small voice. When we look in Scripture we see something that we will achieve in the end. Something that is beautiful is the fact that God/Jesus/Holy Spirit uses us no matter if we are going through the worst of the worst or the best of the best. I am thankful for your music and the message that is conveyed through it.
Thanks
December 29th, 2010 at 6:03 PM
I could have written this myself…thank you for being so transparent. You are loved, God bless you Shawn!
Kelly
December 30th, 2010 at 2:57 AM
I’ve was rereading Scott Peck’s classic, “The Road Less Travelled” (1978), and was reminded that following comment struck a chord in me 25 years ago when I first read it: “The tendency to avoid problems and the emotional suffering inherent in them is the primary basis of all human mental illness.” Sometimes it seems to take a great deal of “illegitimate” pain to cause us to face the legitimate suffering in our lives. By legitimate I mean suffering that in reality is unavoidable. It is pain or brokenness that already exists. It can’t be undone, only faced. We all have plenty of it. Only a few (thus, the road less traveled) have the courage to face it.
I really like your phrase, “walk the gospel out with those who make it hard.” It sounds like you’re spending some time on that road less travelled. May the Lord guide your steps and make your path straight.
December 30th, 2010 at 7:32 AM
Shawn, you have been blessed with great talent. I pray for you to stay strong in the Lord. Your life has made your music real and gritty. You express the ins, outs, ups, downs, and struggles on this straight path to being crucified to the world, and becoming like Jesus. There is such an honesty in your songs that anyone who has walked (and sometimes crawled) on this path can identify with. I pray that you lay aside every weight or sin that besets you, In Jesus Name! Know that I keep you in prayer that you will endure and overcome.
1 Peter 5:10
But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.
December 30th, 2010 at 1:56 PM
You have written what I have wanted to write many times. It is such a testimony of His grace when we are able to love those that aren’t easy to love. These aren’t people that bother us or get on our nerves, but people that have caused pain and heartache. God is so faithful to allow us to forgive. He also gives us the desire to pray for these people because we begin to see them as a soul and not a source of pain. Thank you for your encouragement and focusing on the “small still voice that beckons my heart to live.”
January 1st, 2011 at 12:09 AM
There is something beautiful even in the pain that comes with living in this world.The pain brings us to our knees in a way that nothing else can.It’s there when we are at the edge that God shows us who He really is.He is like no other.
Shawn,Thank you for your honest music and writing.I’m learning that honesty and being a “real” Christian will speak louder than a hundred Bible verses.You are a REAL Christian and you’ve got my attention…keep speaking
January 1st, 2011 at 9:12 PM
I want to be more like Christ, I want to be able to love my enemies, knowing that God loved me when I was His enemy.
January 2nd, 2011 at 4:59 PM
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
January 3rd, 2011 at 1:50 PM
Thank you so much for the reminder. It is much easier to walk out the Gospel when you are dealing with like minded people. 6 months ago I took in 2 foster children from our church. How hard can that be right? MAN, being in the same church has been such a challenge. I have been judged, persecuted, condemned, ridiculed, everything about my husband & myself have been questioned by both parents….and we were asked to take their kids. Anyway, I have lived in a “Christian Bubble” for many years. This has been very eye opening for me, and am really getting to walk out the true meaning of being Jesus with skin on. Jesus’ skin had to be really thick to deal with all the garbage they threw at Him, and yet He NEVER got offended. That’s where I am. Thanks for sharing!
January 4th, 2011 at 12:15 AM
Such good words! I am needle-phobic, too, ha ha! When I was 16 and going in for my Tetanus booster it took my mom and the nurse a half an hour to calm me down and finally had to pin me to the floor and count to three. Needed to read this – thanks for posting your thoughts (this one and your New Years)! I’m glad I checked your press 🙂
“May this light that shines on me, Shine on you, and make everything beautiful again.” – David Crowder
January 5th, 2011 at 5:00 PM
I just heard your song on Air1 and heard them talking about your blog so I decided to come check it out. I like what I read but this note is more in regard to one of your songs. When I hear “Closer” ever fiber of my being responds to that song. I love the thought of there being a man on this planet that feels that way about the God I know and love. Thank you.
January 5th, 2011 at 5:03 PM
Wow! I am going through my own difficult times. My life is upside down and when I reflect, I realize that it has been that way my whole life. I am miserable and I am angry and beyond hurt. I have purposed many times to love my enemies and always fail miserably in the end.
I find myself hiding from God through this, yet I know I need to draw closer to Him to get through what I am going through.
The words you wrote are a comfort to me and an encouragement to keep trying.
Thank you. God Bless you!
January 5th, 2011 at 9:00 PM
Shawn,
I’m sorry that the past few years have been so hard for you. Mine haven’t been the easiest either so I feel for ya.
Really good post though. No, unfortunately hiding and ignoring don’t work. I’ve tried it too, so many times. I agree that getting to the healing can be unbearable. And loving others who hurt us and make our lives harder is pretty darn tough too.
But I’m glad for the still voice that keeps you going. Hang in there and take things one day at a time! Praying for you. Here’s hoping that you and everyone else have a good 2011!
Thanks for sharing your life with us, so inspiring and I appreciate the honesty. Ditto to what someone else commented, yes YOU ARE LOVED!
January 9th, 2011 at 6:05 PM
I REALLY needed to hear that today. Thank you Shawn