I sit tonight with a deep sadness filling my heart. Life for the last two years have been the hardest two years I can remember and for me that is saying a lot, cause I have seen a lot of hard days. I have sought help from so many places, prayer, pastors, counselors, Medication, friends. I have talked my problems out till I felt blue in the face. I refuse to let my heart die. I refuse to give up. Everywhere I go I am haunted by 3 numbers and it seems funny to even say that. how can you be haunted by numbers, but I am. It is the hotel room i am in, or the the date of the day, the time i just happen to look at the clock, the length of the new song. They won’t leave me alone. At first I thought it was John 3:16 that i kept seeing but I have come to feel it is deeper than that. I feel God is say 1 John 3:16. That a man must lie down his life for another. I feel that God has been telling me to die. I feel scared and alone at times, I don’t know how to die. I feel so often that no one understands and if I shared my darkest hour I feel sometimes the Love would end. I don’t know why God blesses what I do for my heart is so dirty. My marriage had been far from even a swim in a ditch. It has been hard as hell, can I say that, cause that is what i truly feel. Thing is I love my wife So much yet I fail her so much. How could this war in me be so strong. How could I let the evil one hold me so hard. My heart yearns for the truth in yet it is so easy to sometimes settle, for the road of love is so hard. I still ask for prayer. I want my family. please pray for Gods mercy for my family. Is it morbid for me to ask for death even when I feel it is what I truly need? My will, my wants, my dreams, need to die. I feel so heavy yet know that I can not bare this burden on my own anymore. I fear the future. I fear the fall. I Long for your words to the father, not to me. I don’t want to hear how great I am for I know the truth of my heart, I long for the birth in spirit and death in flesh. Let Christ find glory in the broken places of stinky humans.
begging
Shawn
March 17, 2009
Ramblings of a Beggar 
March 17th, 2009 at 7:06 AM
Praying for you.
March 17th, 2009 at 8:40 AM
If you go to this website http://www.godsavemymarriage.com/ AND apply the principles that they teach it will save your marriage. Trust me I know the website and books look really cheesy but it is the right paradigm of marriage and it will empower you to become Christlike and restore your wife. It will confirm the post that you just wrote – you do need to die to your self – completely – it’s what Jesus did for His bride and it restored us – It’s what you need to do for your bride.
March 17th, 2009 at 9:55 AM
So honest…so sincere. I’m praying for you and your family!
March 17th, 2009 at 9:56 AM
Sounds like your heart is the perfect soil for personal revival…Let it rain Lord…and may Shawn see clearly and stand in your fires until only YOU remain! Thank you God for working on our hearts and constantly moving us closer to you…and thank you Shawn for sharing…I am encouraged this morning by your post.
March 17th, 2009 at 1:44 PM
Last month our church put on a retreat called “Encountering God” It was one of the most powerful weekends that I have had. It was a small group of people working to give their full lives back to Christ. It’s hard to describe but in this weekend we were asked to confess our sins. And though that may sound somewhat easy, we were asked to let go of the things that we wanted to hide. After doing so we were paired off with others and prayed over. It’s amazing how having bringing things into the light and confessing the sins that we have wanted to keep secret for so long help bring healing and hope back into your life. I would recommend seeking out the “Encounter God” materials and seeing if you church would be willing to host a retreat. Spending a weekend in deep prayer with others was a eye opening expirience that I never thought I would have had having grown up in a church family.
March 17th, 2009 at 4:32 PM
I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning Shawn, and I’ve not commented yet but often felt moved by your words. I felt the need to comment today because this post brought me to tears. I am praying to the Father for your renewal in Him and for the strength from Him to battle your own demons. I find so much inspiration in your complete openness to God and to those around you. Please keep sharing – following your journey with God is bringing me back to mine.
March 17th, 2009 at 5:49 PM
Shawn,
Beautifully written from the heart. I also just want to lay down and die. Last night was unbearable. You are not alone in your feelings you know. And yes, it hurts like hell. (you can say that.)
March 17th, 2009 at 7:26 PM
Shawn,
I won’t throw answers at you, but I will offer compassion. I have felt like death was the only way out before too. I have drowned in self-condemnation as well. I have been overwhelmed by too many things to list. I only say that so you know you aren’t alone. I too have tried counselors, pastors, friends, family…yet was still unable to escape my own mind and heart. Your letter was heartbreaking. Partly because I have felt similar to that, and partly because you (like all of us) are such a gift. But we are often rendered useless when caught in a web (regardless of what the web is). I am sure you have been told you are great and important and loved; it is true, and no belief of yours can take away the beliefs of others. But you are also correct in assessing the filth of your heart. You can be both things you know. Ted Bundy couldn’t out sin the grace of God and I hardly doubt you can. There is good and bad in this world, in life, in every relationship, and in each person. Don’t only focus on the bad. I wish I could encourage you more, but I don’t know what you are going through specifically. It is interesting though, how a week ago I was blessed by listing to 3 of your albums straight and how much it encouraged me…not knowing at the time the hell you are going through. Do not assume that death is the only way out or that good isn’t coming from this or that you know the outcome. If I can share my experiences more or help you bear your burden at all, I am more than available. Just shoot me an email. 1 John 3:16 doesn’t just apply to you after all, and while I can’t offer you my life I will gladly give you my ears, heart, and time if you want them. Much love from a fellow struggler.
March 17th, 2009 at 10:27 PM
No words… just know that we are praying for you and your family.
March 17th, 2009 at 11:29 PM
Hey Shawn,
I just wanted to let you know that after we met the other day in Honolulu God really laid it on my heart to pray for you and your wife. I will continue to lift you up.
March 17th, 2009 at 11:36 PM
Shawn – thank you for sharing your heart. Don’t forget – Satan used scripture to tempt and deceive Jesus. You’re not alone brother. I’m sorry for your pain.
March 18th, 2009 at 9:43 AM
I’ve been praying for you constantly since you posted 316. I have know idea what your going through…just know that you are loved and cared about deeply, and your Christian brothers and sisters are pleading to the Lord on your behalf. So lift your head, turn your eyes to the heavens, and wait for your Father, your redeemer who will act in his perfect time. Please let us know you are o.k, we care about you….
March 18th, 2009 at 9:55 AM
Shawn- I am sorry, my last reply was too preachy. I think it is sometimes hard to see someone suffer and not want to say something or anything to help. I will be in prayer for you and your family.
Kathy- I don’t know you but I am sorry you are suffering. I will pray for you as well.
March 18th, 2009 at 2:02 PM
Shawm I am a huge fan of your music your testimony I dont know you really well, but I do know that God will speak through anything he wants to wether it be a donkey a buring bush or numbers. I believe that there is great work God is doing in and through you, it may not make sense it may sound crazy, but Jesus disciples also thought that! until Jesus Christ the KING stepped in and showed them what he was doing. God bless you brother
March 18th, 2009 at 3:11 PM
I have been praying for God to heal your marriage, and I will pray even harder now! Thank you for sharing this.
blessings
Bethany
March 18th, 2009 at 3:34 PM
Be blessed and know that my knees are to the earth for you and your family!
March 18th, 2009 at 4:23 PM
Shawn, I have been in the place where you are, so often. I struggled long and hard. Like you, I knew that my heart was not right, but everyone around me thought I was so Godly. Finally I realized I had to die to myself and the freedom that came afterward is awesome. The reality of it is we must die DAILY. I pray that your honesty and desire touch the very heart of the Lord and He will be compelled to satisfy the longing of your soul. I am praying diligently for you and your family, in the wonderful, all powerful name of the Lord Jesus Christ! All things are possible with the Lord.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:20 PM
Praying, Shawn. For you, Kate and Cohen.
March 18th, 2009 at 6:57 PM
I’m praying for you. And for the rest of your family.
March 20th, 2009 at 10:15 PM
Father in heaven, grant true reconciliation between Shawn and his wife, and soon. In Jesus name, amen.
March 21st, 2009 at 9:07 AM
Keep your chin up Shawn, you are in my prayers.
March 21st, 2009 at 11:29 AM
I am praying for you and your family. Hang in there, be strong, you will make it through! You’re an inspiration to so many and the fact that you are so honest and open about your life is very admirable!!! GOD Bless you Shawn!
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:32 AM
Shawn,
I am praying for you and your family, especially as you go through this rough period. I pray that God would renew your mind and spirit, help you to always be there for your wife and son, and continue to draw you to Himself. He loves you Shawn and that will never change. He already knows your darkest hour and loves you anyway. I think we all get scared that if we shared our darkest hour then people wouldn’t love us. But God will always love us and I believe that our loved ones will too, even if we share the darkest hour with them. Love is not just a feeling, but a decision that one makes. That no matter what, we will love someone no matter what they do or what’s really in their heart. We are all wretched sinners, none of us are worthy of God’s love and blessings and yet for some reason He chooses to do just that -love and bless us! He is a merciful and loving God!
Excited for your new album! May the Lord comfort you, give you strength and peace and bless you as you work on it. Praying for His mercy on your family. Praying that He would help you lie down your life for those you love more and more everyday.
Love in Christ,
Jenny
March 24th, 2009 at 8:46 PM
i pray for light in your darkest night. oh how i find my heart begging for so much of the same things you said.
March 25th, 2009 at 6:33 AM
I’ve been praying for you & Kate both, & I will continue to. Please hold onto the fact that even now, God is faithful, He never changes. & He can still use & change us in our weakest moments. He’s the Restorer. I’ll keep praying.
Teresa Wilson
March 26th, 2009 at 11:36 AM
You wrote “That a man must lie down his life for another” Maybe you should look at it at as an refreshing of your memory of what Jesus already has done for you, he lied down his life for you!
I recently came out of an depression, belive me trust in Jesus gives you innerpeace and joy! So try to cheer up and you must hear this all the times but if you want to talk dont even reconsider it! You can reach me through mail if you would like.
Samuel Enblom
March 26th, 2009 at 11:39 AM
Just forgot to mention, that when you do the awesome work for God that you do, you’ve really inspired me sometimes and I know my friends have been sooo happy listening to your music, however when you work for God the devil will try to stop you, dont let him hit you down!
Samuel Enblom
March 27th, 2009 at 6:35 PM
Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Take up your cross daily and follow Christ. Basically, die to self and seek to be conformed to the image of Christ. Sanctification is a process that takes a whole life. Your only comfort will come in knowing God. And He will teach you to better love your wife by showing you how Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5).
May God bless you in your walk with Him,
Shannon
March 27th, 2009 at 10:04 PM
You and Kate have my prayers for restoration. It will be a grand day!
God bless.
March 29th, 2009 at 9:51 PM
You and Kate and Co are in my prayers. I’m sorry this has been so awful for so long. I am praying for restoration, forgiveness, peace, and willingness to die to yourself.
August 2nd, 2009 at 1:39 AM
I’ll be praying for you and your family! God sees you in the midst of all of this and He reaches out with peace, He’s in control 🙂
I saw this movie the other day, called “Fireproof”
if you have time, check it out, it’ll bless your relationship!