Winters End!

A couple days ago I was in the kitchen when I heard Cohen screaming “dada” I rushed to see what it was he was yelling about and low and behold I found Cohen with my Wallet. He had found it laying on the coffee table and started pulling out my cards and well found my Drivers License and was joyfully waving the license in the air yelling “dada”. He was so enamored with the fact that my picture was on this card. The wheels had started turning and he wanted so badly to inform me that I was on this tiny little piece of plastic. Sometimes I wish I could get in his head to see what the discovery process of his little mind looks like. If something could ever melt your heart it is the joy and love of a little human excited about who you are. I fear for the day that daddy is not as exciting as he had once thought him to be. But for now I will take what ever I can get.

Cohen is such a little love bug. Sometimes I will be sitting on the couch and he will climb up next to me in just start impaling me with hugs and kisses. He will give me the biggest hug then stand up and just giggle as if he some how knew I needed just that very thing. The joy God is bringing me through him is so undeserved and yet so needed all at the same time. God is healing my lack of a father through the fathering of my own son.

This last week has been a melting of the heart kind of week. I feel that spring has finally come and the winter’s ice is starting to finally melt away. My heart has been in a very cold place for a while and I would have to say that I have found my self very angry with God. But know matter how much I want to stay angry, when he chooses to come in the anger just seems to melt away and all that is left is a very hungry heart that is longing for more of the father’s warmth. He has been whispering sweet words into my heart and mind, the gentle “I love you” and the “hang in there kiddo, I will never leave you nor forsake you”. My life has felt like a hurricane now for over a year. I have found myself screaming to God, “where are you”, “why won’t you show up and heal this mess”. I don’t understand God by a long shot but he never fails to show up. Sometimes it is just not on my timing, well most of the time it is not on my timing. But I stand here in the warm spring day with a hunger of God’s love saying, “I am yours, all of me, anything and everything, I belong to you”.

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5 responses to “Winters End!

  • Stephanie Ayala

    i watched a video of you recording your son.
    it was so special…
    it’s kinda the way God sees us…
    we act silly, and crazy and stuff…

    and our Father is always watching us, always entertained by us,,and most of all we bring Him joy…

    just like your son brings you joy, we as His children bring Him that very same thing.

  • Chelle

    Enjoy the warmth and safety of our Father’s arms. 🙂

  • evelyn q

    So nice to see that Cohen is so loved by his parents and how he loves them both by the way he is described
    in blogs. i like reading them both

  • Amy @ Living a Blessed Life

    Keep surrendering, Shawn, it only gets better. And, as long as you stay present with him, he will think you are the very best father he could ever have. Really. I know for those of us with broken backgrounds, some days we have to really fight to stay present and attached, but that’s where the biggest blessings and healing will come. I’m committed to praying for you and your family. (By the way, I can’t tell you how much God has used your music to heal my heart. Thank you for allowing Him to use you in such a beautiful way!) Sweet blessings, Amy in OR

  • Ícaro

    well understoodm shawn. i know how it feels not having a present father, but i can figure how god is blessing you and healing you with the fatherhood. i’m sure cohen is going to be a great man of God, from now that he is forming good personality with the caring and the love of you!

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