I made a cool little video of cohen! thought I would share! hope you enjoy
Category Archives: Life
this is another old post that I thought was worthy of a revisit.
So here I am again, sitting on another over filled flight. Unhappy people all around me, you know that feeling of sitting next to some random person you don’t know, with no room to move. All around are babies crying, and “that” little kid kicking the back of your seat. Wondering what am I doing here? Flying has become a way of life for me. Always flying to the next city. Always far from home, in fact home has not been seen now for almost two months. Missing it, missing life when it stood still.
You see life has not always been like this. Music is not something I have been doing for years and years. I never wrote songs cause I wanted people to listen to them. I Just wrote cause it was a way to release all the stuff that is bottled up in side of me. It’s my way of telling God how I feel. I just express my feelings best in song. Maybe that is why you are here. Maybe you felt connected to the words and feeling of the songs and so found your self here, reading my blog. I try to think up reasons of why people listen to my music. There is better music out there. Maybe I have found a fad and well I am here today and gone tomorrow.
Who knows really? Life is so funny sometimes. It’s so unknown. How we go from point A and end up on point B is so beyond me. The journey is so unknown. Maybe that is what makes it so exciting. The discovery of ones self, the Finding of your beliefs and deciding to have faith in something. It is crazy how it all works.
I remember back to the age of twenty and my young carefree way of living. Not really thinking to far ahead but taking life and enjoying it as it came. Life was always an adventure. I had this love to go new places, well had is a bad word to put there cause I still do. So yeah, I love to travel. I didn’t have a car so well I would throw up the thumb and wait for some random chap to say, “Hey I think I want to give that guy a ride”.
It is amazing the type of people that will pick up a random stranger. Usually they are completely crazy or its some hippie guy that had smoked way to much pot, that I was wondering how is it that he can still drive or some girl that was feeling sorry for my baby like face And was like “ he looks harmless” or you no the pastor that was like “I am going to save this random traveler from death to life in the matter of a hour or more”. Those were the typical people that I would encounter.
On this particular day it was a young hippie Kid, and quite an interesting one at that. He was rather high and lacking a lot of sleep so I could tell you that, my life flashed in before my eyes a couple of times. He picked me up on my way to Bend Or. I was heading home to see the folks. He was full of stories and interesting ideas. he kept telling about how if you held a rock and listened to it you could find its energy. He kept explaining to me his way of seeing things and how life was exciting to him. Telling me about his life and how God is real to him. He talked about the rush of jumping into ice-cold water and the shock value that that would bring to ones body. He called it “a natural way to wake up”. As I sat and listen to this guys stories and watch his face light up when he talk about something he really loved, he taught me something. He taught me to live my life with passion and love. That it is better to live positive than to find the negitive in your everyday. That sometimes you can see both but it is a matter of which one you choose to walk in. I might not agree with everything he stood for but that is again the beauty of life. He found joy in the things that God had created. I found that refreshing.
I feel sorry for people that try to put life and God into a box. Thinking they have it all figured out. Thinking that somehow cause they have read a few books they have some corner on life that others don’t have. If life has taught me anything it is that the older I get the dumber I really am. It is by grace that we have walked this far and it will be grace that walks us the rest of the way home.
This was an older post from an old blog that I felt like republishing. enjoy!
I would have to say I am a fan of Starbucks. Now before you judge me and throw out everything I have ever written or sung let me explain.
How many times have you gone to some random coffee shop and ordered your usual, and gotten something not even close to what you remember a good cup of coffee tasting like. Well for me this happens a lot.
Now in Seattle to get a bad cup of coffee, well you have to kind a work to find one. It is more rare here than in other places. But as I travel all the time, and my coffee experiences out side of my city walls are well, an adventure to say the lease.
My drink of choice is an Iced Americano. I love them. No sugar, no milk, just an iced black cup of pure coffee goodness. You are probably saying ick. That sounds so nasty, and to some it probably is. It is strong and bitter and well tastes just like coffee, cause that’s what it is. Straight black coffee, and I love it.
So here is why I like Starbucks. I always know, what I am getting. Nothing to fancy but it is constant, and to me, well worth my searching of a local Bucks. Now every once in a blue moon when the bucks is nowhere to be found I stumble into a local coffee house to find my self pleasantly surprise. But more times then not, they are like you want what? How do I make that, and well that is a huge, run for the border, don’t do it, it is going to taste like poo, kind a of find.
Anyways all that to say, I went to Starbucks today and I didn’t want you to judge my reasoning of why I went there. Ha.
Something I have been talking about is “finding the simples” in life. Finding those moments of God in the everyday things we see so often.
Today it was raining, in good old Seattle. Who would of thought? I was sitting in one of those comfy little chairs that the bucks seems to fill there stores with. I was reading and well kind a just watching the people around me, go about their business.
Today there was this man who was sitting in the corner by the window reading a book and seemed completely oblivious to anything going on around him. He seemed to be somewhere else and was finding great Joy there.
Now let me take a sec and set him up. Cause he wasn’t the normal guy I would picture sitting in Starbucks and reading a book.
He had very shaggy hair, and a straggly bread and cloths that seemed to be from a few generations back. He was somewhat dirty and kind of looked like he needed a shower. He had very soft eyes, and well if you have ever seen the American Picture of Jesus, well he was quite close, minus the white robe. Now if I were to have past him on the street I would probably just have jumped to the conclusion that he was just another local homeless man. And well maybe he was, but I don’t usually see homeless men reading the bible and hanging out in a Starbucks.
As I watched him reading I was just really taken but the way he would read for a moment and then stare off into space sifting through the findings that he was discovering in the book that lay before him. He seemed so taken by it, as if it was the only thing in life that even mattered to him, and at that, maybe it was.
I wanted so bad to just go and sit down with him, and listen to what he had to say. To hear his story, and what had lead him to the Starbucks in which we sat.
I fear so often the result of what might happen that I miss out on what could happen. I feel as if this man had something I didn’t have; yet that is probably just a feeling I had. Never the less I still wish I had talked to him. I still have his picture so deeply imbedded in my mind. Hopefully I will see him again, and maybe this time I will go and hear what it was that he was finding.
As of now, to me, he is, the man in the corner.
Tonight I watched Forest Gump and I would say that it has been a long while since I had seen it. I do say a great movie, and I think I had forgotten how good it really was. As I found myself lost in the character of Tom Hanks, my heart fell victim to his simply way of life. Live life honest and full and never look back wishing you would had done this or that. There is something about a good story that brings hope to our lives and stirs something deeper inside of us, or at least in me.
I wept all through the movie, not because of the story of Forest Gump but because of the story of my own life. I was saddened tonight at the fact that I sometimes just shut off. That I let my life go into what I would call, Autopilot. I am coming to the realization that sometimes to face the truth, it hurts, and it hurts a lot, and in order to heal and over come we have to face the mountains that lay before us. Just sometimes it is easier to not feel or least that is the lie that tempts us.
I want to love myself! That is in a way that says that I am satisfied with whom God has made me to be. I am learning that in order to love others we must first learn to love our selves. That until we feel true value of who we are there is no way we can see value in other people. I believe that is why the bible teaches us to love others the way we would love ourselves.
I was talking with a good friend tonight about the way we see ourselves. About how that view alters the way we live and the things we do. If we feel small or dumb, useless or ugly it affects how we act and the life we live. Yet if we feel beautiful and loved we radiate with joy for there is nothing better in the world than to be fully loved. I am trying to let the love of God penetrate my hardened heart. You see I have a hard time seeing the good in myself. I struggle with the view of who I am more than you would ever know. You might think that because I stand on a stage that somehow I am granted some kind of bubble the shields me from all the impaling hurts this life throws at us but it is far from the truth. I am insecure and scared just like the rest of us that is if we really get honest with our selves.
But the truth is that we are perfectly and wonderfully made in the image of God. That regardless of our history and our fault that God still sees the potential of greatness within our human shells. We are the making of his hands and the wonder and glory of who he is.
We are his masterpiece!
A couple days ago I was in the kitchen when I heard Cohen screaming “dada” I rushed to see what it was he was yelling about and low and behold I found Cohen with my Wallet. He had found it laying on the coffee table and started pulling out my cards and well found my Drivers License and was joyfully waving the license in the air yelling “dada”. He was so enamored with the fact that my picture was on this card. The wheels had started turning and he wanted so badly to inform me that I was on this tiny little piece of plastic. Sometimes I wish I could get in his head to see what the discovery process of his little mind looks like. If something could ever melt your heart it is the joy and love of a little human excited about who you are. I fear for the day that daddy is not as exciting as he had once thought him to be. But for now I will take what ever I can get.
Cohen is such a little love bug. Sometimes I will be sitting on the couch and he will climb up next to me in just start impaling me with hugs and kisses. He will give me the biggest hug then stand up and just giggle as if he some how knew I needed just that very thing. The joy God is bringing me through him is so undeserved and yet so needed all at the same time. God is healing my lack of a father through the fathering of my own son.
This last week has been a melting of the heart kind of week. I feel that spring has finally come and the winter’s ice is starting to finally melt away. My heart has been in a very cold place for a while and I would have to say that I have found my self very angry with God. But know matter how much I want to stay angry, when he chooses to come in the anger just seems to melt away and all that is left is a very hungry heart that is longing for more of the father’s warmth. He has been whispering sweet words into my heart and mind, the gentle “I love you” and the “hang in there kiddo, I will never leave you nor forsake you”. My life has felt like a hurricane now for over a year. I have found myself screaming to God, “where are you”, “why won’t you show up and heal this mess”. I don’t understand God by a long shot but he never fails to show up. Sometimes it is just not on my timing, well most of the time it is not on my timing. But I stand here in the warm spring day with a hunger of God’s love saying, “I am yours, all of me, anything and everything, I belong to you”.
I don’t know if I have ever confessed this but I collect rare cichlid. For those of you who don’t know what a cichlid is, it’s a breed of fish that is usually imported from either Africa or South America. Now there are cichlids found all over the world but the types that I like are mostly found in lake Tanganyika in Africa. I love them for their color and weird behaviors. They very territorial fish and do all sorts of dances to gain dominance over the other fish. They are very beautiful fish to watch. I have always loved fish and have had tanks the bigger part of my life. In fact before the whole music gig, I wanted to be a marine biologist. I can stare at fish for hours. I make a trip to the local fish store 2-3 times a week just to see if they got any cool new fish in that I have never seen before and to pick the fish mans brain (AKA Gabe).
Now if you don’t know who Gabe is you need to stop reading this and go back and read the post right before this. And it will answer all your million questions. 🙂
Gabe has got to be one of the most knowledgeable people on fish I have ever met. He knows everything you could think of about them, from breeding to PH to types of fish. He is so knowledgeable that you can show him random pictures of pretty much any fish and he will not only name it off but can tell you its scientific name as well. He must read fish encyclopedias for fun or something. I am way impressed with his fish knowledge. I would go in and pick his brain so much it is how we became friends. He coaches me on how to set up their true habitats so that I can get the best color and activity out of my cichlids and I in exchange am introducing him to the creator of which he is so enamored by.
I think that if I were to be any type of creature it would have to be some kind of fish. Their world to me is almost surreal it is so beautiful.
I find that things like this are the very things that show me that God exists. I can’t stare into this world and believe it just happened, no matter how hard I try. It is just to perfect to be some random act of chance. All are free to believe what they may but for me God is in everything, it is just a matter of whether you look for him or not. I know if one looks long enough they are bound to find the presence of greatness.
I say that next time you are stressed you take a trip down to the local fish store and just stare at the little slimy scaly fishes and let your mind wonder about a world that is different than your own.
Recently I have made a new friend. I am coming to the conclusion that friends are far and few between in this little town in OH. I have been here now almost 6 months and this is the first guy I have had any kind of connection with. His name is Gabe, and he is from Alaska. I think that that was it. When he told me he was from Alaska I was like I think I like this guy already. Alaska in my opinion is just a more rugged extension of the North West. He has got to like some of the same things as me. I mean what is there to do in Alaska, drink coffee, go fishing, and enjoy the great outdoors, and well sure enough that is the way of it. We both like about the same things. Kind of a kindred spirit of sorts, yet one major difference between the two of us. He is very bitter towards God and I well Love him deeply.
He came over yesterday and we talked about life for a couple hours. Some how we got on the conversation of God and how he felt about him. He seemed rather angry and when he started to explain why, I couldn’t really blame him. I guess that his girl friends brother had told him over Christmas dinner one year that because he was raised catholic he was going to hell. Wow!! He began to describe him to me and I thought to my self that if this is what it means to be a Christian then no wonder so many hate us. He says that he is married yet still lives at home with his wife. That they feel called to not work and live off of his parents in the name of ministry, but he really does nothing I guess. His way of things is well to tell you about everything you are doing wrong and how everything he is doing is right. He told me about how harsh and unfriendly he is. He told me how he doesn’t like the fact that he is dating his sister cause he doesn’t have the same beliefs as him. I am like where does love fall in to this? Aren’t we called to love people? I wanted to just apologize over and over for the pour encounter of Christ followers this guy had come in contact with. I fear this story is way to common.
He told me about His best friends death and how he didn’t understand how God could take away someone that was such a good person. I just sat there and listened, knowing that this guy just needs someone to love him. Someone to care for his heart and his life, I could tell he was dieing to just share his thoughts with someone. I am not really sure how close we will be but I am glad that I at least get to be, hopefully a friend in his life.
So I went to Hawaii a couple of weeks ago and got some pics for you all. now don’t be jealous when you see my hunk of a bod!! 😉
I sit tonight with a deep sadness filling my heart. Life for the last two years have been the hardest two years I can remember and for me that is saying a lot, cause I have seen a lot of hard days. I have sought help from so many places, prayer, pastors, counselors, Medication, friends. I have talked my problems out till I felt blue in the face. I refuse to let my heart die. I refuse to give up. Everywhere I go I am haunted by 3 numbers and it seems funny to even say that. how can you be haunted by numbers, but I am. It is the hotel room i am in, or the the date of the day, the time i just happen to look at the clock, the length of the new song. They won’t leave me alone. At first I thought it was John 3:16 that i kept seeing but I have come to feel it is deeper than that. I feel God is say 1 John 3:16. That a man must lie down his life for another. I feel that God has been telling me to die. I feel scared and alone at times, I don’t know how to die. I feel so often that no one understands and if I shared my darkest hour I feel sometimes the Love would end. I don’t know why God blesses what I do for my heart is so dirty. My marriage had been far from even a swim in a ditch. It has been hard as hell, can I say that, cause that is what i truly feel. Thing is I love my wife So much yet I fail her so much. How could this war in me be so strong. How could I let the evil one hold me so hard. My heart yearns for the truth in yet it is so easy to sometimes settle, for the road of love is so hard. I still ask for prayer. I want my family. please pray for Gods mercy for my family. Is it morbid for me to ask for death even when I feel it is what I truly need? My will, my wants, my dreams, need to die. I feel so heavy yet know that I can not bare this burden on my own anymore. I fear the future. I fear the fall. I Long for your words to the father, not to me. I don’t want to hear how great I am for I know the truth of my heart, I long for the birth in spirit and death in flesh. Let Christ find glory in the broken places of stinky humans.