I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart. Yesterday might have been one of the best days I have had in a really long time and It’s ironic that a hard day would follow an intense day of joy and peace, almost as if there is some force that wants to steal away any kind of blessing we find in life. I find this to be true more than not. I was reunited with someone that is so dear to my heart, that the fact of them not being part of my life would be the death of the life I feel inside. As I sat there and listened to his story’s and all things he was learning I had almost forgotten that we hadn’t seen each other in over a year. His eyes beamed as he told me he loved and missed me. I felt like a man who had been given water after wondering around in a blazing hot desert for years. I couldn’t get enough nor did I want it to end.
who ever said “life is easy” must have been smoking something wacky, cause by no means is it easy or fair. Life is cruel sometimes! Sometimes it makes no sense at all, And what’s even harder is to stand up and walk even though we are bruised and hurt badly. To choose forgiveness over hate and anger, and to trust that there is something bigger fighting on our behalf. I once heard a wise man say that “there are two kinds of people, those who play victim and point there finger at everyone else, and those who point the finger at themselves and choose to own their story, and get up and learn to live within it”. I pray that I am the second. I just want something tangible, something that is real. The ability to trust that I haven’t been given more than I can handle.
As we hugged and he held on for a bit a deep sense of hope arose in my heart! In the end the truth always wins. In the end love always wins!
I made a cool little video of cohen! thought I would share! hope you enjoy
A couple days ago I received some news that hit me so hard I truly felt I could not breath. The pain was way over my head. My mind started racing and thinking to my self that I didn’t know how to handle the blow of what i had just been given. As I wrestle for 2 days with anger and hurt, trying not to be bitter and choosing to walk in what we are called to walk in, that being forgiveness. it is one thing to claim we can forgive but is really different to lay down your pain and choose love. You could say that Good Friday this year was the realest it has ever been. That i truly felt a death of sorts. But as I sit here today focusing on the Risen Savior I am reminded that the reason Jesus died was for the breaking of sin and pain and death. I stand here today believing on the name of our lord Jesus, knowing that he is the only one who can save us from our messy lives.
I spent this Easter very alone. I longed today for family more than I have ever longed, but knowing that some how everything is going to be OK. Gods love does not change no matter the storms that life throw our way. Today I prayed and prayed that God would rise in me and in all of you. That his realness and truth would burst forth and life would be new.
I covet your prayers so much! I don’t know how to face the storm that lay in front of me.
if you can find the time to lift my life up, I ask that you pray Gods Strength in me that I might walk upright and to choose righteousness in the storms that I know I am going to soon battle my way through.
Tonight I watched Forest Gump and I would say that it has been a long while since I had seen it. I do say a great movie, and I think I had forgotten how good it really was. As I found myself lost in the character of Tom Hanks, my heart fell victim to his simply way of life. Live life honest and full and never look back wishing you would had done this or that. There is something about a good story that brings hope to our lives and stirs something deeper inside of us, or at least in me.
I wept all through the movie, not because of the story of Forest Gump but because of the story of my own life. I was saddened tonight at the fact that I sometimes just shut off. That I let my life go into what I would call, Autopilot. I am coming to the realization that sometimes to face the truth, it hurts, and it hurts a lot, and in order to heal and over come we have to face the mountains that lay before us. Just sometimes it is easier to not feel or least that is the lie that tempts us.
I want to love myself! That is in a way that says that I am satisfied with whom God has made me to be. I am learning that in order to love others we must first learn to love our selves. That until we feel true value of who we are there is no way we can see value in other people. I believe that is why the bible teaches us to love others the way we would love ourselves.
I was talking with a good friend tonight about the way we see ourselves. About how that view alters the way we live and the things we do. If we feel small or dumb, useless or ugly it affects how we act and the life we live. Yet if we feel beautiful and loved we radiate with joy for there is nothing better in the world than to be fully loved. I am trying to let the love of God penetrate my hardened heart. You see I have a hard time seeing the good in myself. I struggle with the view of who I am more than you would ever know. You might think that because I stand on a stage that somehow I am granted some kind of bubble the shields me from all the impaling hurts this life throws at us but it is far from the truth. I am insecure and scared just like the rest of us that is if we really get honest with our selves.
But the truth is that we are perfectly and wonderfully made in the image of God. That regardless of our history and our fault that God still sees the potential of greatness within our human shells. We are the making of his hands and the wonder and glory of who he is.
We are his masterpiece!
“That according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith- that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
And now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us. To him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus through out all generations, forever and ever, amen.” Ephesians 3:16-21
I was reading in my journal this morning and came across this scripture out of Ephesians. Sometimes it’s hard for me to rest in the fact that God loves us perfectly. I know my sin and selfishness all to well, and if it were me, I would not find a place of love for myself. It is incredible to me that God finds us lovely. That some how he can see through our mess and see something that is beautiful and without blemish, and what I think is even more amazing is the fact that his love for us is the very thing that brings him glory. There is nothing that we have done, or that we are doing or even that we are going to do that can separate us from the love and glory of God.
Jesus please forgive us of our messy lives, and our inability to love fully. Please give us the grace to rest in the fact that it is by you and your glory only that we might find life. I give you my life today and pray that I have the strength and courage to lay down my life tomorrow and everyday after. I pray for strength to trust in your unfailing love. I ask for your shelter from the lies of this world and the clarity to see the truth that only you give. I ask for joy to rise in our hearts that our lives might become pictures of an unfailing love, and an unfailing God. Let us boast only in the cross that has conquered all death and let your love transform our minds to see the world through your eyes. Amen!
A couple days ago I was in the kitchen when I heard Cohen screaming “dada” I rushed to see what it was he was yelling about and low and behold I found Cohen with my Wallet. He had found it laying on the coffee table and started pulling out my cards and well found my Drivers License and was joyfully waving the license in the air yelling “dada”. He was so enamored with the fact that my picture was on this card. The wheels had started turning and he wanted so badly to inform me that I was on this tiny little piece of plastic. Sometimes I wish I could get in his head to see what the discovery process of his little mind looks like. If something could ever melt your heart it is the joy and love of a little human excited about who you are. I fear for the day that daddy is not as exciting as he had once thought him to be. But for now I will take what ever I can get.
Cohen is such a little love bug. Sometimes I will be sitting on the couch and he will climb up next to me in just start impaling me with hugs and kisses. He will give me the biggest hug then stand up and just giggle as if he some how knew I needed just that very thing. The joy God is bringing me through him is so undeserved and yet so needed all at the same time. God is healing my lack of a father through the fathering of my own son.
This last week has been a melting of the heart kind of week. I feel that spring has finally come and the winter’s ice is starting to finally melt away. My heart has been in a very cold place for a while and I would have to say that I have found my self very angry with God. But know matter how much I want to stay angry, when he chooses to come in the anger just seems to melt away and all that is left is a very hungry heart that is longing for more of the father’s warmth. He has been whispering sweet words into my heart and mind, the gentle “I love you” and the “hang in there kiddo, I will never leave you nor forsake you”. My life has felt like a hurricane now for over a year. I have found myself screaming to God, “where are you”, “why won’t you show up and heal this mess”. I don’t understand God by a long shot but he never fails to show up. Sometimes it is just not on my timing, well most of the time it is not on my timing. But I stand here in the warm spring day with a hunger of God’s love saying, “I am yours, all of me, anything and everything, I belong to you”.
So I went to Hawaii a couple of weeks ago and got some pics for you all. now don’t be jealous when you see my hunk of a bod!! 😉
here is a short clip of cutting the strings on one of the songs for the new record. hope you enjoy
So it is that time again. We have been working away in the studio to bring you my forth record. This has got to be my favorite part of being a musician. I love the creative process and the chance to play new music. As usual I try really hard to be different and that means even from my self. I am not a fan of staying in the place of safe. I am always challenging my self to grow and be progressive. So that being said I am trying to prepare you for the record to come. It is not like any record I have made yet so far, but it is not so far you will be like “HUH!” I am extremely excited about this project. I feel that up to this far in my musical journey this is the best project I have every made. Maybe it is because I am so close to it but I really believe in the music I create. I guess you could say this project is Intellectual artsy pop. It is a bit more towards the pop side of things but I hope in a really creative form. I love melodies and hooks, yet I also so love creative thoughts that connect to our souls. So after much study and thought I am bringing you hopefully my best project yet. I will be blogging a lot about this record slowly revealing the heart and thought behind it. I will be making behind the seen videos and fun little here & there’s so please keep in tune to what is to come. I hope all of you well and I pray for our hearts as the human race to find life and life to its fullest form.